Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
