I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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