Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
