Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
