I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
