did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
