My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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