**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
