i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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