Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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