so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Couch. On fire.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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