I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I got inside last night via doggy door
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
