I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
