i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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