Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
