I wish I could punch you in the face.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
