My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
