how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
