Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
whose parrot is this?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
