i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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