So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
