i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
