You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
