I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
