In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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