I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
