my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
