Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
