I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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