thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
