This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
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I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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