if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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