Apparently you make a good broom.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
