so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
