you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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