I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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