I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
