my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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