My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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