I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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