my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
