1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
