You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
