I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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