The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
