I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
