she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
soo... how was my night?
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