Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I AM VODKA MAN
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
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All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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