the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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