Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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