The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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