We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
