Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude i'm inner monologue high
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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