I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
