No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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