Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
