I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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